i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
