we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
