True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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