I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
