Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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