She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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