You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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