I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
