How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
