Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
