This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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