Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
