I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
