i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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