How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
