She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
