I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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