I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
