I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
