Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
