Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
