Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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