i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
