Umm I'm too high to move.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
