Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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