god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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