the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
