your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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