i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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