I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
