trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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