We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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