If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
