Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
