my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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