i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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