I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
