I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
