whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
