Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
