mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
