Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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