you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
