just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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