The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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