Got a toothbrush?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
