I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
