My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
