if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
