boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
