I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The beer is more important than you right now.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
